Being Selfish in A Relationship
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I had another epiphany last night. (I feel like I am having a lot of these lately and ya know what, it is getting exhausting...) I realized that I am entirely too self-involved when it comes to dating. I look at every action a guy makes as an indication of how he is feeling about me. There is no way he could possibly be motivated by something outside of the relationship or, gasp, his own beliefs... And every decision that involves both of us? Well that has to be made according to what I think is right. In short, I realized that when it comes to dating, the world revolves around me and it is my way or the highway.How did I come to this unsettling and unpleasant realization? Well, please, allow me to explain. Perhaps there are others of you out there who are headed down this same path (or a less extreme version of this path) and maybe this will help you identify the signs of It-Is-All-About-Me-Itis...
As I mentioned, D and I have been hanging out and talking more regularly lately and things have been really good. Last weekend we were hanging with friends at his house and we actually took a couple of pictures (something we've pretty much never done). They turned out really cute and I, of course, was planning the Facebook caption from the second we took the photo because I am totally Facebook obsessed. I was also planning which of D's friends I would need to block from viewing the album so that they wouldn't tell D I put the pictures on Facebook. You see, D is one of those FB haters. He has always hated The Book for as long as I have known him and he has made it clear that he is not comfortable with anyone posting about him online. But heaven forbid I try and see his perspective on this. Oh no. Without giving it any thought whatsoever, I decided his distaste for Facebook was dumb and it was completely fair for me to do whatever I wanted.
So I went home and uploaded the photos.
Then, last night, he and I were having a flirty little convo when we got on the topic of the pictures of us. He flat out asked me if I put them on Facebook and I wasn't going to lie, so I told him yes. No surprise, he got annoyed, which in turn lead to me getting pissed off and insecure. I was wondering what the hell the big deal was? Unless of course, he's embarrassed to have people see him with me... Maybe he hasn't gotten over all the crap that happened with us when we were younger, and that's why he doesn't want people to know we are hanging out? Or maybe he and his ex are back together and he's been lying to me this whole time, and THAT's why he doesn't want me to upload any photos...
And then, right as I was about to spiral out of control, I had a thought - what if this actually isn't about me at all? What if it really is that he just doesn't like Facebook and he values privacy? And what if, just for once, I tried to understand that not everyone in this world is exactly like me and just because I have no problem broadcasting the intimate details of my dating life online, doesn't mean everyone has to be so open.
So I caught myself and instead of getting self-righteous or acting like a crazy insecure girl, I told him I was sorry. I explained that I didn't think it was a big deal because I have lots of pictures on Facebook and I didn't think anyone would think anything of it. In all honesty, I was still expecting him to be angry with me and I thought he'd tell me to take them down now. But, instead, he responded that it was all good and that Facebook just freaked him out. And then he apologized too. Amazing.
From there we just did a little more flirting and wished each other good night - and that was it. No drama. No screaming. No hitting or crying or saying "Never call me again.” All I did was try and see things from his perspective while not taking his actions personally. And the result? An actual adult conversation and something that felt a little like an adult relationship...
It was all such an eye opener for me. Holy shit, this is why I am single. I make everything about me and, even worse, I think I am entitled to do whatever the hell I want. I supposedly love this guy and I didn't even once consider not uploading the pictures out of respect to him. I did what I wanted because I thought I was right. What a brat! And on top of that, I thought that the things that he was wanting and needing all had to do with me. Holy self involved!
Worst of all, let's be real, this is no isolated incidence. I've done this with every guy I've dated and it has been nothing but a recipe for disaster.
So where do I go from here? Well, step one, is acknowledging where I have gone wrong. Check. But now the hard part begins. Now I have to actually start making concessions for the guys I like. Which might mean doing something I don't like, even if I think I shouldn't have to. It definitely means choosing my battles. And it means accepting that not every guy I date is a carbon copy of me. Hell, D could not be more my opposite, but if I truly "love” him, then that means all of him, even the part of him that hates Facebook.
The reality is, it is probably too late for me and D. I have been self-involved for 8 years and I can't imagine he hasn't noticed. But for future relationships, I am going to apply my new learnings and hope for the best. Good bye Princess. Hello healthy relationships. (Fingers crossed...)
Related tags: Online Dating